As I completed the “What haunts me” page, I noticed that I felt trapped at times and that I had to wear my “good girl” mask to feel safe. My inner dialog can be shaming and negative so I looked it straight in the face with this page.
My inner dialog does not have to be my future nor is it the truth. The prerecorded shameful loop of my father’s voice comes from his painful childhood and it is not me. We pass on our anxieties to our kids if we let the fears shape who we are. I was able to lay aside my blame game as I started to see the truth inside my demons. Now that I see why I fashioned my “good girl” mask and why I feel so scared to stand in my truth. It is the scared child that is hiding deep inside me that I need to lavish love upon.
In the shamanistic tradition, they help someone to call back the parts of them that have been lost along the way. We push down or set aside different sides of us if we are told they are unacceptable. When we are children we are so susceptible to being told parts of us are not welcome. We can call them back to us, unit them, and incorporate all our parts to become a whole person.
Now I know that I had been labeling myself a bitch when I said “no” or disagreed with someone. I wasn’t allowed to stand up for myself as a child. Making other people’s life better was my focus.
I have every right to say no to someone if I know I’m going to be taken advantage of. Other people are not more important than me. I called back my bitch and I’m practicing my healthy boundaries.
Find what haunts you and listen to your parts as they tell you their story. You will see your demons shift into what they really are – scared parts of you that just want to be loved.