There are times that I fall into my art and loose myself in the color and lines. Hours can go by as I listen to music or a book on CD. I go there because it makes me feel whole-some. It is the prescription that I need at that point in time. If I need to relax, meditate, or contemplate something – my art is there.
The word expectation has floated to the top of my experience lately. It’s interesting how a word can change meaning at different points in your life. I haven’t given it much thought until I saw how my own expectations color my world.
If I have an expectation about what should happen in my life, then what does my life mean when that certain idea can no longer happen? I have been looking back and seeing the frustration and heartache that accompanies expectations. I expected my ex-husband to behave a certain way and when I saw that wasn’t him I became disillusioned. The marriage fell apart due to many issues, but expectations played a part.
I went back to college to pursue my dream job of art therapist and got cancer in the middle of school. A tumor in a vertebrae pretty much took working full time off the table for me. Where do I go now?
There are many times I’ve hit the wall of readjusting my ideas to compensate for dissolved expectations. I’m at that point again.
Back into my art, meditation, and self compassion. I’m in the twilight of what I consider the death of a dream. I know the night is coming and then at some point I will break through into the dawn of a new path.
My art is my comfort. It’s always there no matter what I need it for. I go to this well and sit with my muse and the fairies. They know my heart and heart breaks. Maybe, just maybe I’ve gone on this path to heal myself and not only to help heal others.
What are my expectations telling me about myself? How do I react to my circumstances? How do I see the world around me? My art will tell me at the time that is right and in a way that is safe for me to understand. My art and my inner wisdom work together to bring light into my sometimes dark experience.